Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
