Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
