so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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