she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
