when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
