I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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