I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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