the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
