Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
