i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
