A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
