I am in a vortex of obligation.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
