Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I feel like a drive thru vagina
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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