no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
