i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
