His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
