I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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