I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So much rum. So many feels.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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