I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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