The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
