Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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