Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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