Jerry, you need to find god
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
