I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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