You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
You smell like a Billy Joel song
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
