i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
