she woke up with a sticky ear
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
