You can't special order awesome
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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