It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
