It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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