now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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