i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
