is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
