I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
