im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I came so hard my ears popped.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
