we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
vagina is talking i cant
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
