my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
