Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
