I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
