Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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