Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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