the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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