I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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