I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I need to stop coming to work sober
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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