It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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