Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
