Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
