Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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