for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
