I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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