Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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